Living As A Single Christian

I mentioned yesterday that Christians haven't done a helpful job talking about sex in marriage, or sexuality and singleness.

I mentioned a helpful resource about sex in marriage, but confessed that I haven't found anything helpful written for singles.

In the comments section some of you mentioned that you haven't found anything helpful on this topic either, but would appreciate discovering something that was.  I'm married with four kids, so I'm not able to be a part of the answer. However, I have a couple of suggestions in regard to a way forward.

1. Write a book.

It seems that Christians write books on the same subjects over and over and over and over and over  again. Obviously there's a need for a raw, honest, open, and biblically sound book on living as a single Christian.

Are you single? Can you write? Maybe you're the answer to this need. If there were two or more people interested in a project like this, it could be a combined project like I've contributed to in the book Encountering New Religious Movements.

2. Create a blog.

If you're single, why not start a blog that would be a resource for other Christian singles? Like the book, it could be a collaborative project. If there were women and men singles that wanted to be involved, perhaps it would be even more helpful as far as addressing topics that are different for men and women. Or then again, perhaps there could be two blogs, one that is for single Christian women, and another that is for single Christian men.

If you wish there were a resource for single Christians, could it be that you're the person to make these wishes come true? As an author and blogger I'm glad to help anyway I can.

If you're interested in either of these projects why don't you leave a comment here or get in touch with me by email, and then I'll get back in touch with those who are interested by email in the next few days.

Finally, it would be helpful if other bloggers linked to this post to reach a wider audience of potential contributors.

Comments

[fernando]

Kirsten Aune, a colleague from King's wrote an excellent book on Singleness in the Church called "Single Women: Challenge to the Church?" It's based qualititaive research, so there are lots of quotes from interviewees. Very helpful and telling stuff.

[John Smulo]

Fernando,

Thanks for letting everyone know about this resource. I hadn't heard about it yet.

[Dawn]

John,
It's gonna be hard to find someone to write that blog, because we singles are just as silent as the church is when it comes to discussing singleness.

No one wants to admit that being alone and lonely can be soul-crushingly painful sometimes. So we keep a stiff upper lip, suck it up, tough it out, and whatever other cliches you want for covering up how we feel.

Partly because we don't want sympathy, partly because it seems like there's nothing we can do about it, and partly because we just don't want to think about it.

[John Smulo]

Dawn,

Don't give up so quickly on this. I think that Christians have normally been silent on the things that are most important and difficult.

But I've seen a small group of Christians speaking openly and honestly about different things and instead of being criticized, warmly welcomed and thanked for helping others through their honesty.

[Eliz]

There are probably a lot more books on advising singles on how to date but not too much on living as one. Maybe marriage is still seen as an ultimate 'goal' in life. Asian societies certainly sees it as that.

Anyway, regarding the blog/book project, I'm willing to contribute. :)

[sally]

well done John- a subject that truly needs to be tackeled- I have 3 children heading of to University next September- my eldest daughter was pressured all through her time at University to become part of a couple- she found very little support from the church to live as a single... even last week ( she has now graduated) when her boyfriend (recent) was visiting and they attended church people were surprised when they found they were not married and infact live hundreds of miles apart and marriage is not on the near horizon!!!
Linking to your post!

[Lee Warren]

I've written a singles book for Christians and I have a blog for them as well. You can find more information about both by going to http://singleservingsbook.blogspot.com.

In my singles devotional book, Single Servings, I devoted a section to physical desires, during which I covered things like:

--a single woman's struggle to say "no" even though she wants to say yes...and she's with a guy who she says in stronger than she is in this area.

--Joseph's story (from Genesis 39). From what we can tell, he was 28 and unmarried when he was approached by Potiphar's wife, but he was able to resist her.

--a story about a couple who had never kissed each other until their wedding day.

--a story about a 38 year-old man who finds strength in the fellowship of other believers.

--I also talked about the effect that culture has on us in relation to how much we struggle.

Each devotion (there are 10 total on this topic) is followed with five reflective questions.

My book isn't the be-all, end-all, of the discussion, but it's part of the discussion.

I don't blog as often as I'd like on my Single Servings blog, mostly because my primary blog (http://littlenuances.blogspot.com) takes up quite a bit of my time, but if I knew that it would be a service that more people would benefit from, I'd find a way.

Thanks for taking on such a difficult topic. It's a much needed discussion.

[John Smulo]

Eliz,

I'm sure you're right. There's probably more out there, but with marriage books as well, I find very little that is raw and open and honest about the really tough stuff.

Glad to hear you're interested in being a part. There's another person who wants to be as well, and another who's thinking about it.

I'm hoping at least another 1-2 will consider it.

[John Smulo]

Sally,

Thanks for sharing about your children. That must be hard for them, and you to watch.

I think this is an area where the church has never matured--even though it's had 2000 years to work on it!

Thanks for linking.

[John Smulo]

Lee,

Thanks for letting everyone know about your resources. I'll look forward to checking them out.

What are your thoughts about dealing with the more difficult questions that single Christians deal with? Are they hard to address? Why do you think the church has struggled with being more understanding with singles? After all, everyone is born single and should have at least some understanding of it.

[Sarah]

I agree with Dawn in many ways, its hard to be single in church and to admit to what you are really thinking and feeling, its much easier to put on a front that everything is fine rather than facing the advice and comments. It gets very wearing to have any new single guy at church pointed out to you and to know people are speculating about how you will get along. Also people are always wishing for more young families in the church, I've never heard anyone wishing for more singles to come along! I find that a lot of the older generation in church have no real experience of being single, they went straight from their parents home to married life.

A good book about living the single life is "Revelations of a Single Woman" by Connally Gilliam. No definitive answers but she talks honestly about all sorts of issues she has faced as a single woman; she is still single and learning to love her life.

[MikeCamel]

Well, I'm going to say it: "I'm not sure that the sex is always wrong outside a married relationship."
In fact, "I'm not even sure that that sex is always wrong outside a long-term committed relationship."
This is something that we're bad at as Christians, partly because we have a model for relationships, and that's marriage. It's an ideal, and not everyone can live with it. And, of course, it's rather difficult to apply to gays and lesbians.
But is restraint always right? It can damage, and lead to sin. Sexuality is part of us, and part of being human. Not sure I'm going to say more than this, at least for now, but I'm happy to discuss in more detail if it would be helpful. I know it's going to upset some people, but if it liberates some people too, then good. And by "liberate", I mean "set free in Christ".
One guiding principle? "God is Love". Think hard about that, and don't trivialise it: it's a responsibility, not an excuse for promiscuity.

[Lee Warren]

I'm probably in the minority opinion by saying this, but I don't think that the church (corporate) needs to be as concerned about meeting the needs of singles as they are about equipping singles to live out the faith. When a church is focused on meeting needs with programs and such, they often foster an environment in which a group of people end up complaining about what they don't have. But when a church encourages singles to live out their faith in whatever fashion God is calling them to, their needs get met as they meet the needs of others.

I'd like to see singles (as well as every other demographic) integrated with the rest of the church in Sunday school, Bible studies etc. That's where they'll meet married couples and elderly people and people with experience who've lived the single life, and that's where they'll get real wisdom from people who have lived it. And in the process, singles get a chance to minister to these other groups of people by volunteering to help with projects, etc.

Rather then segregating singles, I'd like to see their issues addressed from the pulpit on occasion. Those who aren't single will have a better idea about how to help those who are. And those who are single will genuinly feel like the church cares.

[ariadneK, Ph.D.]

There is a blog called "Little Nuances" by a very good young Christian man (http://littlenuances.blogspot.com/) who is also an author having written a lovely book entitled "SIngle Servings"...targeted to Christian singles.

[ariadneK, Ph.D.]

Darn...I failed to notice that he just posted before I did! :-)

There ya go, welcome to Lee in answering your post.

[John Smulo]

Sarah,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and for mentioning a book that you found helpful.

It's good to know some of the things that people do that are insensitive to singles. Thanks for raising them.

[John Smulo]

Mike,

I'm sure it took a lot of guts to share what you think, thanks for doing so.

I'm coming from a different place in terms of believing Scripture teaches sex is meant to take place within marriage only. But I always want people who have different opinions than me to feel welcome to share them here. So as I said above, thanks for sharing.

Along those lines though, let me ask, why do you think Christians have traditionally held to a different view on this? Do you think you've discovered something different Scripturally here, or are you going with your personal opinion?

Also, I completely agree that God is love. And since God is love, there seems to be some restrictions out of that love. For me it's the same kind of love as I have for my children when I say "Don't run across the street. Stop and look to see if there are cars first."

Also I should note that I think that Christians add a lot of "rules" or "don'ts" that I don't think have anything to do with a Jesus-follower. I just don't think this is one of those situations.

The hardest thing in saying this is I also have to admit I don't have answers to how difficult it must be for single Christians to deal with the consequences of this. It's easy for me to point to Scripture when I don't have any answers, and I hate doing that.

[John Smulo]

Lee,

Very interesting thoughts. I wonder how other singles feel about this?

The picture you describe seems healthy, but it seems like it would be helpful if issues specific to singles are addressed both in preaching but also in at least occasional events, retreats, seminars, or whatever specifically for singles.

[John Smulo]

ariadneK,

We've been fortunate to have Lee's contribution. Thanks for mentioning him as well.

[Lee Warren]

I agree with you John. Setting aside time once in a while to teach and equip singles to live out their faith is important. I just don't think it ought to be the norm. That's just my opinion though.

I just can't see any evidence of a segmented body of Christ in the scriptures when it comes to the equipping of the saints. I definitely see short periods time being set aside to teach individual groups (older women teaching younger women, etc.). But then they came back together to worship and serve together.

Thanks for this engaging conversation! I really appreciate it.

[John Smulo]

Lee,

Thanks for being a part of making the conversation engaging.

I find your thoughts interesting, I hadn't looked at it that way before.

[MikeCamel]

Let's step away from the second of my statements for a moment, and look only at the first. If we take the proposition: "Sex is not always wrong outside a married relationship", and assume that we _are_ talking about long-term committed relationships.

I'm not going to try to prove this point (partly because I struggle here, too: my "I'm not sure" was heartfelt), but only to come up with some points of view which may or may not be valid for some or all people.

I'm going to start with a reductio ad absurdum argument. I know this is dangerous, but I want us to be aware of what we're saying. So, the first question is: what do we mean by marriage? Do we mean a Christian marriage? If not, there are ramifications for all those who are not Christians who, just by having sex (making love), are sinning. Of course we can say that people who aren't Christians have a broken relationship with God, but does every action they take become automatically sinful therefore? I don't think I can accept that - in fact, I think it's dangerous theologically.

So, what about non-religious marriages? I think the same goes. So, let's say we're now accepting civil weddings. How does the acceptance of the state of a relationship stop sex within that relationship being sinful?

And then, what about those who, for whatever reason, find themselves unable to sign up for such a state ceremony? If we (as Christians) are questioning the validity of a state ceremony (a tacit question above), then who are we to tell such people to marry? If they're happy to make a long-term commitment to each other (I personally believe that the question of whether they make this a public commitment is actually very important), then how do we define that as different to a state ceremony, for instance?

So, that's one argument. My next one won't work for many, but it's really a core one for me. Again, it's "what do we mean by marriage?" but from a different angle. I believe that homosexual sexual activity is not necessarily sinful. That's to say a similar thing to "I believe that heterosexual sexual activity is not necessarily sinful." Pretty much exactly the same thing, in fact. Except for one core point: if we say that sex outside marriage is always sinful, then there is no sort of relationship for homosexuals (or bisexuals engaging in homosexual sex) in which sex can be anything other than sinful. I just don't believe this to be true. I struggle with enlarging our definition of marriage to include homosexual relationships, but I do wonder whether that is the most honest (and therefore Godly) thing to consider.

Another point: if marriages are not only about child-bearing (and I don't think that many people would defend this view these days), then the place of love and non-procreational sex - call it recreational or relationship-affirming sex if you prefer - is safe within our concept of marriage. Marriages are about lots more than sex - friendship, support, prayer and non-sexual love, for starters.

Sex before marriage used to be expected within mediaeval and early modern societies - if the woman didn't get pregnant, then marriage wasn't necessarily on the cards. If she did, then all well and good, and the Church would bless the union: there would be a wedding service. This, with the last point, tells us that the concept of marriage has changed over the centuries. And that's before we even start on feminist attacks on the historical institution of marriage as a patriarchal power structure (some of which I believe have a lot of merit).

Before I finish, I'd like to point out that I'm not against marriage. Absolutely not: I'm strongly for it. I believe that marriage is a sacrament, and is the strongest affirmation of my faith in God that I have (despite the fact, I'd point out, that my wife is not a believer). It is an ideal, and not one to which everyone feels able to aspire. It is also (like all human reflections of God's will here on earth) a difficult, fractured, often broken institution which requires work.

Making sex the "big question" isn't always healthy. I think we have other things to worry about. Not to say that we shouldn't talk about it, though.

I'm also aware that the initial question, as posed, wasn't just about sex, but also about sexuality and singleness. I've not addressed this question. But I've written more than I'd intended to, and had better stop here.

Might blog this same comment, if you don't mind - with another link here.

[sally]

Mike if I didn't know you I'd think you were out to provoke people, but as I do know that the issues you are commenting are important to you I will take the risk and comment.

First I think you have hit the nail on the head on a number of issuses.

First the need for recognition of longterm committed relationships be they recognised by the state or simply the individuals concerned. Committed love is Godly and a reflection of Gods covenant relationship to us. If we celebrate people in their committment to one another and seek to be affirming of that we open a door to a relationship with God that might otherwise remain shut! Tim and I had that door opened for us by the Vicar who married us - he was affirming of our decision to make a committment before God even though we had been living togehter and had a child already.Funny if that door had remained closed I wonder what I would be doing now; not training for Methodist Ministry for sure...

As far as recognising homosexual "marriage" goes- IMHO yes it is time to bite the bullet and say yes let us celebrate this committment and allow it to be brought into the light before God- we spend far too much time writing rules for God, and need to recognise cultural differenceds between the culture Paul was writing into and our own (Contextualisation is necessary).

I agree with you that marriage is a sacrament- one to be taken seriously and worked at, but the problem is often that we reduce marriage to sex;

you say
"Making sex the "big question" isn't always healthy. I think we have other things to worry about."

This is a key issue for both married people and singles- so much of our thinking regarding relationships is centered on sex - go look at womens magazines ( and mens now come to think of it)... you'd think there was nothing else within a relationship to consider.

But if that is the case does that mean that love is the big question- and if so we come full circle to your original comment and the only conclusion can be to say...

"I'm not sure"

[sally]

an added thought and echoing John- Love has limits- it needs limits and boundaries- and if we truly are aiming to reflect that love we must decide where they are and respect them!

[Bryan Riley]

I'm not single either, but I would think that this book would be a good read for anyone: Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. It's a collection of essays, including a couple by John Piper, and Piper is the editor of the entire collection. I really enjoyed it.